When people ask me about my days of having a newborn, I say I don't remember them. But the truth is, I don't WANT to remember them.
I knew that, having had anxiety for most of my life, I was at risk for postpartum anxiety. But I had no idea how challenging it was going to be.
I didn't know that I would spend my entire day googling every single thing about my baby, or that I would be crying more than he did. I didn't know that every tiny decision I had to make, from what clothes to put on him to what time to leave the house, would put me in a state of panic because WHAT IF I didn't make the right decision and he got hurt? I didn't know I would wake up sweating from nightmares about leaving him stranded somewhere. I didn't know that I would lash out at Tom, or give him step by step instructions on what he should be doing to take care of Zack. I didn't know that I would post every waking moment on social media, which was actually a cry for help because all I was looking for was ANYONE to tell me that it was going to be okay. I didn't know that I would have to text Postpartum Support International Hotline- twice.
Anxiety consumed my entire being, every single day. A simple search of the word "anxiety" in my messages to Tom, and you can find about 100 in my postpartum days. I was not able to "enjoy every moment" with my newborn because my brain wouldn't let me. Everyone kept telling me "this is normal" or "it will get better". But absolutely nothing about it felt normal or okay, and I truly did not think that I would survive.
The anxiety was crushing me, and the bricks just kept piling up.
And I know that somewhere out there, there is a mom to a newborn who is feeling the same way. She's wondering if it will ever be okay again. If she will ever feel herself again. And I am here to tell you that it WILL be okay. I cannot tell you when. You also do not have to do this alone. I know how lonely and dark it feels. But there are support groups and therapists and medications that can help. Those tools will pull the bricks away, the ones piling on top of you. And you will rise and breathe again.
To the rest of the world...please don't tell women that this is normal. It may happen to a lot of women, but we don't have to accept that as normal or shrug it off like it's nothing. For me, it was NOT nothing. It was debilitating, paralyzing, and quite frankly, terrifying. Please be careful when you tell a new mom to "enjoy every moment". Because she may be suffering. Instead, ask how she's doing. Tell her she's doing great. Come over and keep her company. Reassure her. Tell her you're proud of her.
Oh- and maybe, let's stop asking moms who have 1 child when they are having another one. Maybe, they didn't think they would survive the postpartum period of the first one and don't intend on going through that again. Maybe, they'd rather focus on being the best mom they can be to the child they have now.
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