I have been deactivated from Facebook and Instagram for almost 40 days. And while that may not seem like a long time to you, aside from the year or two I gave it up for Lent. this is the longest I have been away from social media since I joined Facebook in 2005.
While I originally stepped away because the political climate was driving me into fits of rage that I was taking out on Facebook, it has really turned into much more than that.
If you would have told me a few months ago that I was addicted to social media, I would have denied it. But now, I know I was addicted. But even that has its layers. I was not just addicted to scrolling and seeing what my friends, family, and celebrities were up to. I was addicted to validation. I got a little hit of dopamine anytime I got likes or comments. I shared my life because I liked getting the response in return. I was no longer posting for fun, even though I would have claimed that I was. I was posting to fit in, to feel part of something, and to feel noticed.
Another thing I have reflected on is how deeply my FOMO ran. I used to (and my used to, I mean, up until this last month) get so deeply hurt by seeing friends post their outings and gatherings on social media if I was not invited. I used to spiral into thoughts of self doubt and wonder what was wrong with me that no one wanted to be around me. That internal battle was not healthy, nor did I get me more invites to social gatherings.
And then, yes, of course, there is the elephant in the room of the political atmosphere. I did not like the person I turned into on social media in January. I became angry, anxious, and was constantly refreshing my feed to see what other people were saying about the madness. When a like minded friend posted in anger or fear, my anger and fear doubled. When someone disagreed with me, I felt angry toward them. And when friends were not saying anything (in hindsight, it's completely understandable why), I got mad that they were being quiet. I didn't like the feeling of rage running through my body. It was uncomfortable and heavy.
So, what now? I am back on Facebook and Instagram this week only, to download pictures and videos that I don't have saved anywhere else. After that, I am going back to deactivating. I know that I will miss things, announcements and celebrity posts and just all the other fun nonsense on social media. But I won't miss the comparison, the need for validation, and the rage.
Friends, if we mostly communicate via social media, please reach out. Let's text or talk or go for a walk or get coffee. And if you are feeling up to it, can you subscribe to this blog? I do plan to keep writing, even if only 3 people see it.
Take care of yourselves. I'll be back, someday.
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