Weekend Rest.

This past weekend, I went away for a little weekend respite trip. Let me tell you how and why I got to the point of knowing I needed to escape for a few days.

I was walking down a path. Easy enough, right? At the end of the path was the chance to just sit down, be quiet, and take some time for me. Problem is, pretty soon that path became a maze. I was continuously blocked. Things like Tom's health scare earlier this year, Zack's issues falling asleep at night (meaning the sacred "quiet time" after he went to bed) did not exist, and instead we are spending a few hours each night getting him to go to sleep, and by the time he does crash, so do I). As I walked, I began to carry the weight of caring for a sick husband and caring for a 3 year old on my shoulders. It started to get heavy. And then, another block. The political climate/complete shitshow/whatever you want to call it that is happening around us. I can't quiet the chatter of the news, and as much as I try I can't stop caring. On it went, on top of my shoulders. A crazy workload at work? Yep, on it goes. And then came the whispers of "you're not doing enough". So I, while carrying the weight, decided I need to do more. Train for a 5k. Swim 5 miles in May. Read more books. Get 10k steps in a day. You need to do more, the whispers told me.

Pretty soon, it was getting harder to walk. Heck, it was getting harder to breathe. I was irritable, teary, and kept pushing through, and kept adding more on top of my shoulders. Until, one day, I slid to the ground and said "I can't do this anymore".

It was the work of both my therapist and my husband who gently said "hey...over here....there is a break this way. You can put everything down".

I took the offer. For one very short weekend, I put everything down and went a different way. On my drive Friday, my mind was still racing over the things on my to do list and the guilt of leaving Tom and Zack and Leo.

I chose to go near water, because there is something very special about the vastness of the lake, and the sound and motions of the waves crashing in. Seeing a giant lake like Lake Michigan reminds me to pause and to remember that the world is so big, and that the time we are in is temporary. Difficult and heavy as it may be, it will eventually wash away, and be calm again. Until the next storm.

So, did I come away from the weekend a changed woman? No. Are all my responsibilities still here, waiting for me? Yes. But was my mind quieter on my ride home than it was the way there? YES.

Here are the biggest things I learned this weekend...actually, let's say they are the biggest things I RElearned, because I am certain I have learned them before and will need to learn them again.

1) I can pause any time. No, I can't go away every weekend. But I can PAUSE. When life feels overwhelming, I can take a moment. When I hear something and my instinct is to snap, I can pause before responding. When I receive an invitation I can stop before I say yes and consider if my plate is actually too full.

2) I am more than a mom, a wife, an ACS employee. I think that I had forgotten who I am a little bit. This weekend I was reminded of things I like to do, but don't always have the time to do them. Window shop. Go to antique stores. Hike. Test out different local coffee shops. Go for long drives while listening to music that is new to me. Finding time to do these things may be a challenge, but boy did it feel good to feel like ME.

Since Holland is known for their tulips, I bought myself a small wooden tulip to keep on hand to remind myself of the lessons from this weekend. I also took a short video of Lake Michigan, so that I can see that vastness and hear those waves anytime I need to do so.