I've noticed that I don't really feel my age. Which, if you're curious, is 35. A full grown adult with tons of responsibilities. Responsibilities that it doesn't feel like I should have.
When I was 19, and a hardcore American Idol fanatic, I really admired (and still do), Melinda Doolittle. At the time, she was in her late twenties. I remember her 30th birthday being a big deal. I looked up to her for her grace, generosity, kindness, and wisdom. At the time, 30 seemed so far away. I couldn't imagine being 30. Not that I thought it was "old" necessarily, it just seemed like 30 year olds really had their life together. And I can't imagine any 19 year old looking up to me now, the way I admired Melinda.
In the same sense, I don't identify as the word "mom". During Pride month, I kept considering buying a shirt that said Free Mom Hugs. Anytime I did, I had to stop for a second and think "I am a mom, right?". Yes. I am. I have a 1 and 1/2 year old who depends on me for all his needs. So why don't I resonate with that title?
Don't ask me what age I feel like I am, because I'm really not sure. I feel like right around age 29, everything happened so fast. I got married, lost my dad, I bought my first house, went through the pandemic, and had a baby.
So maybe I still feel 29.
Or maybe, no one really feels like they have it all figured out, or that they are the adult. Maybe no one can imagine that other people could possibly look up to them. Maybe that was a strange, and uncomfortable feeling for Melinda. Maybe I should ask her. Hey, Melinda, was it strange to have people all over the world tell you that they admired you and wanted to be like you?
One of my favorite tools to use when I am feeling just a little lost is to write a letter to myself. So that's how I will close this one out.
Megan;
29 year old you is still in there. Your past ages don't just disappear. You are a cumulation of every age so far. And no, no one is expecting you to be an expert on all things or to have all the answers. It's a beautiful thing to keep learning. Even though sometimes you don't FEEL like a mom, you ARE a mom. Zackary loves you endlessly (for now). You comfort him, you make sure he has everything that he needs.
But, let's not forget to give you what YOU need to. Let's remember 9, 19, and 29 year old Megan and what she needed. You can still give those things to her. Love. Gentleness. Pride. Empathy. You have always been worthy of receiving those gifts, and you still are now. Carve out time to do what makes you feel most yourself. Keep making the playlists, reading the books, singing the songs. All those things you love make you, you.
I don't think that when you're 89 you're going to say "aha- I have finally figured it all out now". I don't know that any of us will ever say that. So quit worrying so much about being the perfect 35 year old mom and just be Megan.
Love, Megan
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