I've been a mom for two weeks, and there are so many things I am learning and relearning about myself.
I have an overwhelming urge to "fix" things.
This is definitely something I knew pre baby, but once you are in charge of a tiny little human and they are crying, it really kicks into gear. Everything in my body/mind says- go fix it. And sometimes, what I try doesn't work. Which escalates my fears. Shouldn't I be able to fix it? Is there something wrong with me that I can't fix it?
2. I need reassurance.
My husband, my mom, the internet, the pediatrician have all been victims of my ,millions of questions and need for someone to assure me that Zack is okay, that what we're doing is okay, that I am doing the right things. I am struggling big time to trust my instinct. And I'm told that most of motherhood is tapping into your instinct. I'm working really hard on learning to trust it. I wish it came faster, though, because it seems it's a skill I needed about two weeks ago.
3. Music is healing
I had a moment tonight where I could feel the stress coming, so I took Zack in my arms, turned on the Hamilton soundtrack, and sang and danced. Did it fix anything? No. But did I feel slightly better? Yes.
4. I do better with a plan.
I like to plan everything out. Something, I'm learning, you can't do with a newborn. I'm at the mercy of his feeding and sleeping schedule, and there's not much I can do to change it. As much as I can try to plan our day, we're one poopy blowout diaper away from having to adjust that plan. And I can plan all I want to do dishes or vacuum or another household chore, but the truth is, they probably won't get done when I want them to.
5. I think a LOT about the future.
I've already started to put pressure on myself to start "playing" with Zack because if I don't, he won't develop. I have to constantly remind myself that he is two weeks old, and doesn't play. He's barely awake more than 20-30 minutes at a time. I try to sneak in a little tummy time (literally like 1-2 minutes at a time), or reading a book where I can, but it's not like he's going to wake up from a nap and expect to play. I also think a lot about his sleeping habits- like how he needs to be held to fall asleep and sometimes will refuse to nap unless he's being held. And I worry, thinking oh my gosh he's never going to sleep without being held I am going to be holding him until he's 30. I start to think way too far ahead about his sleep schedule and naps and what I need to do to get him on a routine, forgetting, again, that he is TWO WEEKS OLD and needs to be held!
6. I need sleep.
Duh. We all need sleep. Without it, it's hard to be a functioning normal human. I would say I am sleeping in chunks that go anywhere from 20 minutes- 3 hours (max). Zack sleeps PRETTY well at night- it takes him a while to settle back down after a feeding, but he can sleep anywhere from 3-4 hours in between feedings. Which is a God send and I am counting that blessing. Problem is, even when he gets settled, I don't. My brain starts going haywire, and I go down a google rabbit hole. I wish I could take better advantage of the quiet hours and get sleep, but it just doesn't work that way. When I do take a nap, I am usually out cold within seconds- but those naps are short and sweet. Oh, and I also had not slept a full night for about 1-2 weeks before Zack was actually born. So I'm a bit overdue. And boy, can I feel it. Not saying this is ANY different than what any new parent feels, but man, it's rough.
7. I get excited over farts and burps.
Never thought that'd be something to get excited about, but Zack's stomach is still getting used to digesting and he has periods of gas that cause fussiness. So when he gives us good burps and farts, I'm excited for him! And a big poop? Well, sound the alarm because that's cause for big time celebration.
There are so many more than just these 7 things. But it's start. Every single moment of every day is a learning experience. I wish I could say I'm confident in my abilities, but I'm not. So I just keep practicing, and loving on him.
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