I love to listen to Podcasts. It's my favorite way to pass the time while driving or on a walk or at the gym.
One of my current favorites is a new one, "The Black Aunties". It's a group of five friends talking about different topics, a lot of them around faith and spirituality.
In a recent episode, the aunties were discussing what they have had to unlearn in life, and what they are currently unlearning. By the end of it, I was crying. Then I spent some time reflecting on what I personally need to unlearn.
A few things came to mind, but one of them is this.
I need to unlearn the idea that in order to succeed in life, love, work, etc, you need to make yourself smaller.
I don't just mean that in a physical sense, although that is certainly part of it. I also mean that in the "just sit there and be quiet and do what you are told" kind of way. Because that message can cause a person to become "smaller", to be ashamed or afraid to speak up.
I fault no single person for this message- it's what was told, through words and actions. It's also what I told myself. I thought, often, as a child and even as an adult, that if I was just quiet and didn't speak up or share my opinion, I would keep slipping on through the cracks and go unnoticed. I did not want to be noticed. I did not want to be someone who spoke up because I often saw those kind of people getting in trouble or being labeled "Bossy" or "obnoxious".
I started to unlearn this behavior when one of my managers at my current job told she that she wished I would speak up more. She said that I have good ideas, and I need to share them. Never wanting to let anyone down (another thing I am unlearning), I did my best to use my voice more and more over the years.
These days I am very much a person who speaks up and speaks out when I disagree with something, but I also speak up when I am proud of something or someone, when I have an idea to share... and I don't let the fear of what others might think stop me. If they don't like my idea, it does not mean they don't like me. I went a long, long time thinking the opposite. That if something I said was "wrong" it meant I was wrong, or I was stupid.
The physical aspect of being smaller is still something I'm working on. Again, messages throughout my life told me to be smaller. We were inundated with messages that being thin was beautiful, being larger was not. I was called "fat" as if it was the worst thing in the world to be. I was told that men don't like bigger women. And in many ways, I still hear these messages. In comments sections on social media, in ads for different dieting programs that pop up in my social media feed. When I was thin, after I lost 135 lbs a few years ago, I was constantly told how great I looked. No one says that now (except my husband). All of these things send a message to my brain that says "you need to be smaller. Be less".
And look, I'm working on it. NOT to give into these messages and not so people can tell me I look good. But for my health. But I am also currently in a place where even though I eat healthy and move my body at least 5 days a week, my weight remains the same. I will never go back to a place where I am starving myself just to fit beauty standards that shouldn't exist in the first place. I will not make myself smaller because some magazine, tv show, or some guy named Chaz on tik tok says fat women are a menace to society.
I'm just going to be me. And these days that "me" means someone who is in a larger body, and someone who speaks up. I know when to reel it in when necessary, but I am certainly not going to make myself smaller to please anyone else. I'm gonna take up space, and make my mark on the world while I'm still here. Because one day I won't be, and no one is going to talk about my size. They will talk about what I did and how I made people feel.
My dad used to tell me "stand tall, stand proud" and "don't sell yourself short". He wouldn't want me to be someone who hides or who puts what everyone else wants me to be over who I want to be and who I am.
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