Dear Future Self;
As challenging as this phase of life is, you're going to miss it one day. And you may even feel guilty for feeling the way you do now. I'm here to tell you- don't feel guilty. The fact is, this is HARD. But you made it, and Zack is thriving. But let me take a moment to remind you of all the things you may miss one day.
The way he snuggles up to you for a nap, and how calm and comforted he can feel in that moment. The way he sometimes grabs your hand while laying on you, or while you are feeding him. The way his big blue eyes (what color are they now?) look up at you with awe. Those first smiles and that first giggle that caught you by such surprise (go look at the video- I saved it on your Google drive). The weird grunting noises he makes that used to cause you some anxiety. The way he follows your voice and looks around the room for you. The look of pure content and relaxation when he's in the bath or the stroller your walks. His tiny little socks. How the sound of a hair dryer can somehow put him to sleep. The determination to pick up his head when he's doing tummy time. Those loud, loud farts. (Okay, those probably won't go away as he gets older, but they are kinda cute when he's an infant).
Right now, it feels draining that he depends on you for literally everything- to be carried, held, fed, changed, put to sleep, bathed. One day, he won't need you for these things anymore. He'll walk on his own. He'll feed himself. He'll get dressed. He WILL sleep on his own some day (Please, please tell me he will). He'll jump in the shower and clean himself. And one day, he may not want to be near his mama or to have cuddles. So I'm here to remind you that he once did, so desperately need your cuddles and hugs. And you gave them to him. He never once went a moment without being loved so intensely-even when you were frustrated, tired, scared. You still gave your entire being to loving him and caring for him. He may sometimes forget the love that you have for him- or forget to be grateful for it. But I now realize the love my parents had for me, and it makes me appreciate them just that much more.
I hope that whenever you're reading this, you look back and remember those newborn days. And I hope that whatever stage of life you and Zack are in, you give him one cuddle and kiss on the top of the head, from his 34 year old mama.
Love, Me
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