Real talk, I wasn't super social before the pandemic. It was something I struggled with and I felt lonely a lot of the time. I started a book club for that very reason- I decided if I wanted to build relationships with other women, I needed to take initiative. We only met in person 3 times before Covid hit. I still count my blessings every day that despite that, and despite not really knowing each other all that well, we continued to meet virtually, and then eventually social distanced outside.
All that to say, my already pretty small social life shrunk even smaller when Covid hit. Which is why, when I was getting ready to go "out" yesterday- to a get together with some of the girls form the gym- I panicked. Shed a few tears. Worried about what I was going to wear. Hated how I looked (yes I know I'm growing a human I GET IT BUT I STILL STRUGGLE). Worried I'd say something stupid.
Of course, everything was fine when I got there- and it was a fun evening. I got to see some of my book club girls, plus other ladies I've gotten to know during my time at the gym.
And then came the after effect. Was I weird to that one person? I didn't say goodbye to some people, are they mad at me? Do people like me? Do people think I look huge? Do people even want to be my friend or be around me? I was full of doubt.
And as a result, I felt down all day today. Drained. Like I could sleep for weeks. That ONE, 3 hour social event took all of my energy.
And I don't know what it will take for these to get easier. I guess practice. I guess I keep going. Keep saying yes when I am invited. Celebrate myself for doing it. And start recognizing that I am so much more than my doubts tell me I am. I don't know if I'll ever be a social butterfly. Not sure if the nerves before going out will ever go away. But I refuse to let the fear keep me home.
Comments