I added the book Starfish to my "To Read" list over a year ago. It's labeled "juvenile fiction", which I sometimes read because I find the themes of those books relatable and nostalgic. I finally picked it up from my library last week and read it in less than 24 hours. That's not surprising, it's 250 pages and written poetry style, plus... a 5th grade reading level.
And yet, at 36 years old I was so moved by this book. I found myself wishing it had been around when I was in sixth grade. I might not have felt so alone.
Starfish is about a 12 year old girl named Ellie who is severely bullied for being overweight. Her mother is also a bully, taping articles about bariatric surgery to the fridge and making offensive comments. Eventually, Ellie learns to stand up for herself and no longer believes she is deserving of all the horrible things people say to her.
The author made a note at the back of the book that while the things said and done to Ellie may seem extreme, they are all retellings of actual things that happened to her at some point or another in her real life.
I imagine that a lot of people may read it and think there is no way people would be that rude or harsh. My guess is that those people have never lived in a bigger body.
While I wasn't bullied to the extreme that Ellie was, I have heard comments about my weight and my body from loved ones, friends, and strangers almost my entire life. Sometimes, people meant well. Or they thought they did. They thought they were trying to help. But help what exactly? Because all it really did was solidify my fears- I was not accepted, or good enough, because I was big. Their messages came in loud and clear that losing weight would make me better.
In the book, Ellie has a list of "Fat Girl Rules", like "avoid eating in public". I started to think about my own life. I followed some of the same rules Ellie laid out and more. For example, I NEVER tried on clothes at the mall with my friends. I sat on the bench and waited for them or would pretend to browse the jewelry. I knew I wouldn't fit into any of the clothes at the stores they were shopping in, so why try?
Like Ellie, I grew up in a world that taught me being fat=bad. Unloveable. Ugly. Lazy. I believed these things about myself. I used to daydream that I could take a pushpin and stick it in my stomach. Maybe that would flatten my body enough that I wouldn't be big anymore. Or, maybe I could take scissors and just trim some of the fat off. I learned that the easiest thing to do was to just to be as quiet as possible and not draw attention to myself. And even then, I heard comments. Once I was shopping at Kohls, wearing a dress that I felt super cute in, and I heard a women tell her daughters "that girl should NOT be wearing that dress. Her legs are huge".
Someday, I plan on sharing more of things that were directly said to me about my body that caused me so much pain. I'm not there yet. Until then, I am going to keep advocating for those of us in bigger bodies. Especially young girls, because I was that young girl.
I am going to close some words in the final poem of Starfish. It is written beautifully and I share the sentiments expressed:
"I'm not going to try to hide myself
to make myself small anymore.
I am proud to be me
and I claim my right to take up space.
I deserve to be seen.
To be noticed.
To be heard.
To be treated like a human.
I starfish.
There's plenty of room for each and every one of us in the world".
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