Soon You'll Get Better

To keep my runs interesting, something I have been doing is listening to Taylor Swift's entire discography, start to finish. I like doing this for a few reasons. One, I know that I will like pretty much every song. There are not many Taylor Swift songs I don't like. Two, it helps me to hear the song in a new way. Three, since I have literally grown alongside Taylor and been a fan since her initial debut, every song brings me back to a moment in time in my life.

That said, with 11 albums and over 200 songs, there is only ONE song I have skipped during my runs, and that song is "Soon You'll Get Better", from the Lover album.

The song is about Taylor's mom, Andrea, and her breast cancer diagnosis. It is basically a plea from Taylor for her mom to get better. Some of the lyrics include

"Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you...desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too"

"I just pretend it isn't real...I paint the kitchen neon; I brighten up the sky"

"And I hate to make this about me, but who am I supposed to talk to, if there's no you?"

"You'll get better soon, 'cause you have to"

The reason I had to skip this song during my runs is because a few weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The words Taylor sings just hit too close to home for me to manage to listen to it without sobbing on the sidewalk.

My mom is going to be okay. Her kind of breast cancer, DCIS, is the "best" kind of breast cancer to get, if that is even a thing. Because she is adamant about her screenings, her cancer was caught early and the treatment will not be aggressive. She has already flown through surgery with flying colors.

But, despite it being an "easy" breast cancer, a treatable breast cancer, that doesn't mean I haven't run through all the emotions and grief that come with a cancer diagnosis. When I first got the phone call from her that she would need a biopsy, I broke down into tears. It was just minutes before I was set to present to over 100 people on a work call. I had to stand up from my chair, hop around my kitchen to get out the emotions as I repeated a different Taylor Swift lyric to myself "I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit".

Those tears were part fear, part anger. You see, I've already lost my dad to cancer. I couldn't believe my family was going to potentially go through this all over again. Couldn't cancer leave us alone?

After I maintained my composure and got through leading that work call, I jumped into action mode, helping arrange doctors' appointments. The next few weeks were full of various biopsies, MRIs, and other appointments. There were ups and downs of knowing it was DCIS breast cancer but also the fear that there were more spots- those ended up being benign.

It was a rocky roller coaster, jerking us back and forth and throwing us for loops until we finally had the answers that we needed to start a treatment plan.

So how am I feeling NOW?

All the things at once: I feel incredibly lucky that we are in the position we are in, knowing that others have a much worse fate and more difficult treatments. I feel badly for my mom that she has to navigate all of this at her age. I feel inadequate that I can't fix it or take it away. I feel overwhelmed with trying to help her while also being a full-time working mom to a toddler. I feel lonely. I feel sad that my dad is not here to give us his words of wisdom and comfort.

We will get through this.... my family has been through a lot and we are no stranger to cancer and all that it can rob of you. But just because we've been through it, and just because it's an easier diagnosis, does not mean this is not taking up a lot of space in my brain and my heart.

Mom, soon you'll get better. 'Cause you have to.