Most of you who are reading this probably saw my Facebook post yesterday where I shared what happened to me after my 3 mile run.
If you missed it, here's a screenshot:
I have recieved so many kind and thoughtful comments, both on the post and in private, and I am so grateful.
I spent 90% of my day yesterday crying over this. I wish that wasn't true. I wish I had brushed it off, ignored it. Left it alone. But I couldn't.
There's two things I keep thinking about over and over:
Why didn't I say anything to him?
Why is this bothering me so much?
So many of the comments I got mentioned "I would have said" or "you should have said". If one of my friends had posted this exact story, I'd have done the same thing, telling them what I would have done or what they should have done. But the reality is that is much easier to visualize or imagine than when it is actually happening. When it was actually happening, I froze. And I felt ashamed of my body and just wanted to crawl away and hide. Heaven forbid, if something like this happens again I hope I have the courage to stand up for myself in the moment.
As to why it's bothering me so much.... as I alluded to in my post, I have spent my entire life struggling with weight. I have been called fat, overweight, obese, "porky". I've been told I'd be prettier if I lost weight. That boys don't like girls who are overweight. Encouraged to lose weight and given suggestions on how to do so. I've tried every diet you can imagine. And these are just the things that were told directly to me. I've also heard things in the media, nonstop, especially growing up. Don't believe me? Watch this video:
Most of you know that at one point I had lost 135 lbs. But I did it by counting every single calorie I put in my mouth, severely restricting what I ate, and working out 2 times a day. It caused me to become obsessed, and I would cry if I ate something I deemed "bad". But, when I lost the weight I was constantly told how good I looked. Once, I was at a concert with friends and when we went to the bathroom before the show one of them said "remember when you could barely fit in the stall?". These kinds of messages further reiterated that thin=good. Overweight=bad. The same message that I had heard my whole life.
So when this man spoke to me yesterday, it was like all the younger versions of me that were shamed for weight were right there with me, feeling once again stung, feeling ashamed, feeling unworthy and not enough. It feels like no matter what I do, even if I am out there running three miles, it's not enough. I still don't look the way people think I should look, or want me to look.
Here's what I hope for: I hope for a time where we don't associate overweight/fat with being "bad" or even unhealthy. I hope we stop commenting on other peoples bodies (that goes for the media talking about celebrities' bodies, too). I hope we stop teaching our kids that being thin is the only way to be. I hope we stop labeling foods as "good" and "bad". I hope we stop glorifying diets. I hope my son grows up to never feel ashamed of his body, and never punishes himself over what he looks like.
As for me, I'll be fine. I could have easily self sabotaged after yesterday. In the past, I would have binged or starved myself as a response to his words. I didn't do that. I ate a healthy lunch and dinner with foods that fuel me, and this morning I got out for my run. I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing- moving my body and fueling my body. I'm going to remember all the hell my body has been through and how strong I am and how strong I will continue to be- no matter what size I am.
Today, go out and tell someone you love them. Don't bring up their body or their looks. Just tell them why you love them. People need to know they are more than their body. I know I needed to yesterday, and so many people did that for me. Thank you. You helped save me from myself yesterday.
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