All month long, my church is using songs from The Beatles as inspiration for their service/message. I have always loved The Beatles. I have many fond memories of singing Beatles songs with my dad while we drove back and forth to my dance class on Saturday mornings. In college, my friend Sam was also a Beatles fan and we would often play their music and watched a few documentaries about the band. Like most humans walking the planet, I love the song Let It Be. That phrase has often been a mantra of mine. This simple phrase is so powerful: "There will be in answer. Let it be".
Let It Be was the song my church focused on yesterday. Since we were driving home from our trip Up North I just listened to the service today. And man, did I feel shameful.
Because this past weekend, I did not do so well at letting it be.
To set the scene, Zack and I traveled with my mom, my sister and her family to northwestern Michigan. Originally, we were heading to the Upper Peninsula to visit my aunt. We had our place all picked out and I had a running list of activities that Zack could do. Our plans changed about 24 hours before we left, though, when my aunt was moved to a different location. Thankfully my sister was able to get a refund on our original place, and we found a home near Traverse City that would fit all of us.
I think that was the first strike against the war of me and anxiety. Plans changing...rather abruptly. Strike 2 was that Tom was not with us. I knew this going in, but over the weekend I was greatly reminded how much I appreciate him. He is always 10 steps ahead of me, fully aware of what I may be worried about and ready with solutions. Plus, while my family helped, there were many times Zack only wanted me, and I was touched out and overstimulated. Strike 3 was that Zack took almost 3 hours to go to bed the first night. I had already had very little sleep the night before, so the screaming, crying, and only wanting to sleep if he was attached to me probably put me over the edge.
The entire weekend, my thoughts were around Zack. His schedule being interrupted, nap time delayed, whether he was having fun, what I should order him to eat, how to keep him entertained, etc.
I could not seem to "let it be". And I feel ashamed that I let my anxiety win this weekend. Why couldn't I just relax? Why couldn't I just let go of control, schedules, routines and be in the moment? I had even told myself to let it go before we left.
I can't live in this shame bubble forever, though. If I beat myself up too much and obsess over how I reacted to things. it will only continue to drag me down. So what I can do is tell myself these things
I am proud of you for making it through the weekend.
You kept Zack safe, fed, and happy (ish).
I am grateful that Zack got time with his cousins and that we were able to see Aunt Pat.
I am grateful to live in a state surrounded by water. Zack had fun playing in the sand and the water and you gave him that experience.
You can learn from this and you can grow from this.
You have permission to forgive yourself.
Next time, I will do my very best to Let it Be. I can't change this past weekend, but I can be sure to set myself up for small wins in the future.
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