A few weeks ago, I was scrolling through Instagram stories and noticed some friends of mine were all hanging out together and tagging each other in their stories. They were hanging out for something that I had done with them in the past, but no one mentioned it to me this time around.
And man, did that sting. Here's the range of emotions I felt:
Surprise. Confusion. Sadness. Shame.
Shame, because I could not believe that 36 years old, I was feeling so upset over being left out at something. Like, get over it sister!
But I'm not sure I will ever be an age where I don't feel that sting.
I remember the first time I felt left out. I was sitting on my front porch and watching three of my friends play in my friends yard, kitty corner from my house. They were all laughing and having a great time. I yelled over "Hey, Susie, can you play?" to the girl who lived in that house. She stopped in her tracks, and then yelled back "no!" Her mom was outside and heard this exchange and immediatley sent her to her room.
I had not meant to get her in trouble. But little 7 year old (ish) me felt that pain of being left out.
It's happened many times in my life and I'm sure it's happened to you, too. Whether it's friends gathering and you didn't get an invite, or friends that you introduced to each other become closer than you were with either of them.
In addition to those emotions I mentioned before, Here are the things that go through my mind when these instances happen.
Did I do something wrong?
What is wrong with me?
I really start to believe that this is just the way it is. That people may be kind to me one on one and I have friends I hang out with, but I don't make the cut to join group settings. I must not be good enough.
And here's what I DO in these situations:
Nothing. I get upset, eventually get over it, move on until the next time. I don't say anything to the person/people. Because of the shame factor...It's one thing to FEEL these things it's another thing to say it outloud. And, there's the deep fear of them saying "Yeah, you're right, we didn't invite you because we don't like you".
I know I haven't always been the best friend. I forget to respond to texts or emails, I don't call as much as I should... and I am sure that I, too, have left people out. I'm sure I've said hurtful things.
But even with those mistakes in mind, I still think I'm a pretty good person. I don't ACTUALLY think I am the worst person to walk the planet and no one wants to be around me. But when the "left out" situations happen, that is what I think.
So here's what I am going to try to do moving forward. And maybe these tips will help you, too.
Remember that most likely, it isn't about me and it isn't intentional. I don't think there's many folks walking around conjuring up ways to hurt me or saying "let's not invite Megan".
Allow myself to feel my feelings and to not be ashamed for feeling them.
Reach out to a friend. I think many times, when I feel hurt over friendship stuff, it is a red alert going off in my brain that I am craving some friendship connection. So who can I reach out to, a friendship where we lift each other up?
Write down truths I know about myself: I am kind. I am caring. I am loved. I am worthy.
I want to say that I don't expect to be included in every single thing. I have to say "no" a lot because I have Zack solo...and maybe people know that and that's why I get left out. But it's still nice to be invited. I think something we all CAN do is notice who is on the outskirts and talk to them. Maybe they are feeling left out, too. Maybe we can be the person they need to feel welcomed.
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