Because I lost my dad in my early 30’s, I’ve had peers come to me for advice on how to support their friends when they lose a parent.
While it’s not a subject I’d choose to be knowledgable in, I’ve been able to share some advice. And now I’m going to pass it along to you. This is not the first or only blog post on this topic. A simple google search will return hundreds of posts. But maybe you’ll stumble on this and it will be helpful to you.
Know What Not To Say
Most people don’t know how to comfort someone who is grieving. So they either don’t say anything (more on that in a minute) or say something that’s just… not helpful. I think intentions are good, but delivery is off. So here are some things you should avoid saying:
They are in a better place
Stay strong
“At least”… (fill in the blank)
Everything happens for a reason
Let me know if there’s anything I can do (more on this below)
I know how you feel
Don’t abandon them
Often people think “well they are so busy, they don’t want to hear from me”. I assure you, they do. It’s pretty hurtful when people who you thought were your friends just stay silent. Whether you want to admit it or not, staying silent is more comfortable for YOU, that’s why you’re doing it.
Offer something tangible that you can do
Do this instead of saying “let me know if you need anything”. I have a few reasons for this. 1) The grieving person may not be able to really think about what they need 2) When people would say this or ask me if I needed anything I would want to respond “yeah, I need my dad back”. So instead, think about what needs they may have. Food? A babysitter or giving kids a ride? Walking the dog?
Show up to the wake
I have gotten this question a lot. “Should I go? Will they even notice if I’m there”. Yes. They will. I had two of my best friends travel for my dads service. I had no idea they were coming and although I didn’t get to speak to them much, seeing them brought me a lot of comfort. If you feel uncomfortable with grief and are anxious about going, see if you can go with someone else. If not, it’s okay to be in and out. Just give your person a hug So they know you were there.
Avoid giving flowers
Look flowers are beautiful. But flowers die. After my dads funeral we had to throw away all the arrangements we got. Some of the more meaningful gifts I got included a donation in his memory to the American Cancer Society, and a garden stone with his name, birth date and death date engraved. It still sits in my moms garden. Other thoughtful gifts are wind chimes, or care packages filled with your friends favorite snacks, some books, tea, etc.
Remember that grief doesn’t end when the funeral does
One of the hardest things for me was when the funeral Was over and everyone else got to go back to their normal lives and just be normal. And it felt very lonely and isolating. over the years I’ve had friends reach out and just let me know they are thinking of me on important dates like his death anniversary, birthday, fathers day. So maybe you could take note of these dates on your calendar and make a point to send a card to your friend when these dates come around each year.
Offer for your friend to talk about their person
Not everyone will feel ready to talk. But, at least saying “hey I’m here if you want to tell me stories about your dad.” For me, telling his story has been therapeutic. Others may not feel that way. But I always appreciate when people listen.
In summary, be present and attentive. grief is hard to navigate, but by showing up, and showing that you care, you are helping your friend to heal.
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