On March 13th, 2020, we entered lockdown for the covid-19 pandemic.
I have been thinking about this date a lot, and how much has changed since then. Never would I have imagined I would still be working from home four years later, nor that I would have a son.
A posed a question on facebook a few days ago that read "how did the pandemic change you, and do you think you would have undergone that change had it not been for Covid?"
Obviously, having a child is most stand out change in my life. Prior to Covid-19 rocking our world, I was certain I did not want to have kids. That decision had not come easily. I always THOUGHT I wanted kids. But in my early thirties, I made my mind up that I couldn't. It was too risky- with all the craziness in the outside world (and this was BEFORE covid), and the wild thoughts in my own head. I was terrified of passing my anxiety and depression onto another human, or not being able to parent because of them.
So what changed my mind? And how did a virus that forced everyone into their homes and to wipe down their groceries do that?
People actually laugh when I've said this but I'm being quite serious. Sometime in late 2020 and early 2021, Tom and I had a talk about it and I had said I really wasn't sure that THIS was IT for us. We of course loved our life as a couple, and would have been happy going that route too, but for us, we wanted something more. We wanted to grow our family and make a mark on the world. As far as my concerns about the world, I decided that I couldn't let my fear of what was happening outside our door stop me- I couldn't control it, and maybe our kid would help change it. Or at least, make their corner of the world a little brighter. I guess I also grew confidence that yeah, I have anxiety, but I can still do this.
In March 2021, right about this time, I found out that I was pregnant. Zackary was born December 2021. Have my worries about the world changed? No. The other day, while we were outside getting groceries from the trunk, a car on the main road by our house was backfiring and I thought it was gun shots. I grabbed Zack close to my chest and shielded him, and ran him inide. My fear is not irrational. It very well could have been gunshots at 4:30 pm on a Friday in a suburb. If it happens in schools and churches and concerts and movie theatres, it can happen on my street. But instead of letting fear control me I instead advocate for gun reform and other issues that are important to me, and I do what I can to make sure we are safe- without hiding away in our house.
The anxiety/depression is still there, looming like a cloud. It was only about 3 months ago I found the right medication that is working for me. I still have bad days. But in my opinion, powering through them to still show up for Zack in every way I can doesn't make me a bad mom. It makes me a super mom.
Obviously, having a kid was the biggest change brought on by Covid. Do I think we would have decided to grow our family without Covid? No, I really don't think so. I could be wrong. But I think we would have spent more time traveling had the world not shut down, and maybe would have decided we simply wanted to live our life child free. I want to make it abundantly clear that there is nothing wrong with that. I have lots of friends who are childfree by choice and are thriving. I just think, somehow in some world, Zack was meant to come to us.
PS: My life has changed in other ways, too. Notably, I am no longer defined as being "shy". My manager, who did not know me prior to 2023, said that she would never have thought of me as shy or introverted. I credit this to the pandemic, too. We have been thrust into a world of virtual meetings, a space I felt more comfortable sharing and speaking. My confidence has grown exponentially. It doesn't ALWAYS translate to life outside of Zoom but I think it's certainly different than where it was in 2019.
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