Welcome back.
So, we left off that I did a year of volunteer service through the Mercy Volunteer Corps. When that year ended, I was desperately seeking to find the same community type feeling I had been given. I was living with my parents again, working some random jobs here and there until I found my first "real" full time job. I did eventually move into a house with a roommate. I would often put feelers out there for churches that people recommended. I was told a few times about a popular mega church, but something about that just really intimidated me. I don't think all mega churches are toxic (some are!) but, it just did not fit my vibe.
I started going back to the church I grew up in, mostly because of convenience and familiarity. I also co-led the Youth Group. I really enjoyed doing that because at the time I loved working with teenagers (I don't think you could pay me enough to do that now). Our church community at the time underwent several tragedies, including one that was very close to home where my friend was shot and killed. That church became a place of comfort and community.
I distinctly remember sitting at Mass one time and the priest was talking about how the church opposes using "reproductive technologies" to make babies.
HUH? Why not? My beautiful baby nephew was born because science helped my sister and brother in law. You're telling me that was wrong? I don't think so.
I think prior to this I had KNOWN there were things the Catholic church believed that I did not (gay marriage, for example), but this was the first time it really impacted me in a way that made me start to question it.
Oh, and did I mention I also became an Associate of the Sisters of Mercy around this time in my life? I wanted to stay connected to the Sisters and becoming an Associate seemed like the best way to do that. I still am an Associate now, although I struggle a bit with finding my place in that world. But more on that in another blog post another day.
Anyways, all of this was in my young 20's. I also started dating my now husband. We would go to church together sometimes (Tom did not grow up with any religious affiliation but has always been very supportive of me and my religious views).
Then, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. And I am not sure if we would have made it through his diagnosis without that church community. They held a prayer service for us, brought us meals, sent cards, prayed for us. It was a beautiful showing of community and love in action.
So, I stayed. Throughout my dad's cancer journey we would go to Mass together often, especially toward the end of his life (we didn't know it was the end, yet). There was one instance when we knew his cancer was doing something wonky in his body because he saw two priests on the altar (there was only one).
When the 2016 election began, I felt a real shift between what the church was saying and what I believed. I knew in my heart and soul that I could not and would not vote for Donald Trump, but the church was opposed to Hilary Clinton because she was pro-Choice. I could not wrap my head around it. They would rather support a hateful man? Didn't he also go against Christian values? Apparently not.
Again, though, I stayed. I got married in that church in 2017. When my dad passed, I still found some comfort in attending service there. People knew me, and loved me and my family.
But I began to see the real hypocritical viewpoints of the church. They SAY everyone is welcome and loved as they are but they do not support the LGBTQ community. Priests were getting arrested left and right for sexual abuse, but women can't be priests? And forget getting Communion if you have sinned.
I want to make it abundantly clear that the Sisters of Mercy are not this way...like, at all. I would join discussion groups with them and feel so at home because I was around people who believed in the same things that I did. And who TRULY embraced all people.
But back to my journey. Tom and I bought our first home, in Clawson. And again, I was asking people for church recommendations. I didn't want to make the drive to my "home church", and I wanted to be around other like minded young people. I tried a few here and there and then...
Covid. And we hit another election season in 2020. Below are two real screenshots from letters from my home church. Yes, I kept them.
I don't know about you, but I read that as... because I voted for folks who are "against" some Catholic teachings, I am not welcome. Cool cool cool. But, all are welcome, right?
From 2020-December 2021 I did not attend church at all. I did not watch any live streams of church. I stayed connected to the Sisters of Mercy through Zoom meetings and emails. But I did not attend a church service. Except maybe on Christmas.
I also got pregnant during Covid times. And when Zackary was born, I asked, AGAIN, for church recommendations. I decided that it was really important to me that he grew up in a community. I had seen what a church community had done for my family, and I wanted him to have that. Whether or not he chooses to stay is up to him. So, Zackary and I started attending a Catholic church near us. And I liked it! The priest was wonderful, the people were nice, and Zack's pediatrician , who we love was going there, too. We had him baptized there and I joined a committee to plan mission projects.
Then we came into another election season. And as quickly as I thought I had found a community, I felt like an outcast. The message was not necessarily coming from the priest or the people around me in the pews, but the Archdiocese made it LOUD AND CLEAR who we should be voting for, how we should vote on proposals, etc. So much for separation of church and state, right? It was in every bulletin and every facebook post from the Archdiocese.
It was at that time I knew I couldn't stay. I asked Zack's pediatrician how she felt, since I knew her political views were the same as mine. And while she agreed it was hard, she said she could ignore that part and had to understand that the church felt they had a responsibility to say those things.
Well, forget that. In my mind, the church had a responsibility to practice what they preach and to love and accept all people.
So, I once again asked folks to please send me church recommendations. My sister in law had told me about a United Methodist Church, Royal Oak First. She said she saw them at Ferndale Pride so maybe that meant they were more open and affirming.
The first time Zack and I went, he needed to be changed partway through the service so I scooped him up and headed out to the gathering area, searching for the bathroom. A woman, who I now know is named Danielle, spotted us and told me there was a nursery and a changing table in there. She went on to tell me the nursery and play room were open during service and they had staff in there watching the kids so parents could attend service in peace.
Count. me. In.
We continued to go every week, some weeks better than others in the nursery (he still has bad days in there). We attended a fish fry, I was solo with Zack and clearly had very full hands, and someone (Karla) approached me and helped me to get our trays and drinks and she made sure we were comfortable. I was so touched by the kindness and compassion of strangers. This is what church is about.
If that wasn't enough to hook me in, this is a church that really does practice what they preach. They say all are welcome and they mean that. One time, before communion, our pastor said something like "it doesn't matter where you've been, who you love, you are welcome to get communion. It does not have alcohol, so those in recovery can feel safe coming up". I mean! In the Catholic church, you are technically not supposed to get communion if you have sinned. People get up and get it anyways, of course, but still. It's the principle.
And my sister in law was write. They DO attend Pride festivals and celebrations. They gave us signs for our lawn that say "Love One Another. It's that simple". There are openly gay couples and transgender individuals who work for the church.
It took me a long time, but I do believe I have found my church home. I've joined a moms group, the social action committee, and signed up to read at service. Zack comes with me every week, sometimes he cries the entire time in the nursery and sometimes he's fine. But it is so vitally important to me that he grows up in a place that will love him, no matter who he decides to be. I am not going to force him into his beliefs. He can believe what he chooses to. But what I will do is lead by example, engage him in service for others.
I do not despise the Catholic church. I do not regret growing up in the Catholic church. I am disappointed by the Catholic church. It's long past time for it to make some changes, but instead they are so focused on "tradition" that they won't budge.
Through all of this I realize I have talked a lot about church as a building and not necessarily my relationship with God. I don't believe that you have to be sitting in a pew at 10 am on a Sunday to be a religious or spiritual person. I find God in many ways, through other people, through music, through nature. I don't necessarily "pray" in the traditional sense but I talk to God. And I try to listen ;-)
I'm grateful. I'm glad I kept trying, even though at times I wanted to give up and just not go to church at all. And I am hopeful for what the future will bring.
I'll close with the Royal Oak First Inclusion Statement... because this really says it all.
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