The crib is set up. And in just 14 weeks (give or take), there will be a baby. OUR baby.
And I am terrified.
I'm excited- I love this little babe already and feel it moving and grooving all day long, but that doesn't mean I am not also afraid.
And yes, I'm fully aware that 99% of parents to be share this sentiment. Saying "everyone is scared" does not make me any less scared.
My mind is constantly running with what if's. What if we don't know what to do? What if the baby gets hurt or sick? What if we run out of room in our house? What if we run out of money? What if we get so angry toward one another we start to resent each other? What if my anxiety spirals out of control, as it has been known to do? What if we don't get everything done in time? What if we can't get anything organized?
I'm reading articles. I have books. I read the forum on the What to Expect app (although that sometimes does more harm than good). And I KNOW I am surrounded by people who will answer any question I have.
But sometimes I feel stupid for asking. Or I feel like I should know things that I don't. Or that asking this stuff makes me look bad.
I'm already feeling the pressure of wanting to be a good mom. And I worry that because I am feeling so anxious and unsure, that means I won't be a good mom.
I know I need to "think positive". I know I need to "have confidence". I know I need to "stop worrying". I know that all of those things are things you want to tell me. Because it's what I would tell someone else. But, if you have been riddled with worry before, you know it's not that easy. I can't flip a switch and stop worrying and just believe everything will be fine.
It is a battle that I fight every single day, and every day I have to somehow convince myself that I am strong, capable, and that everything WILL work out. There will be challenges. There will be really, really hard times. But I can do this. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to live up to anyone's expectations. I also know that if I want to feel peace, I need to let go of what I think things "should" look like. If anyone knows how to do that, I'm listening.
What I will do, is love this child. I will give it all the love I can muster. Even when I'm tired, and anxious, and angry. Love will come first. It's how I've always lived my life, and nothing can stop it now.
I'm not going to apologize for somewhat of a *gloomy* post because that would be apologizing for how I feel and I've begun to learn that my feelings are valid, and do not need anyone's approval.
Just know- I am trying. I am trying not to let the anxiety take over. I am trying to fill my head with positive affirmations. And I am trying to take this one day at a time.
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