My husband and I are not going to have any more children. I won't go into the reasons here, because frankly, it's no one's business. So why am I writing about it in a blog post? Because I have a feeling there are other folks out there like me...and maybe they feel alone.
Despite being quite sure of our decision, I do still sometimes feel sad that I'll never have a daughter. This sort of started when I saw the Barbie movie. Which may sound silly, unless you've seen the movie. There are a lot of mother/daughter themes throughout the movie. From the tension teenage daughters often have with their mothers to the deep connection that mothers and daughters often share.
Since then, the feeling comes in waves. I will see a mom and daughter duo out and about and feel the pang. I'll think about the future and all of the milestones that I may not have, like helping a daughter pick out a wedding dress.
This was a confusing emotion for me. If I am SO sure I don't want to have more kids, why do I still feel sad?
I felt almost ashamed of having this feeling, and didn't want to share with others that I had it. I didn't think anyone would understand. But, one day, I was telling two of my friends about this, via text, and one of them said "it's okay to grieve something even if you don't want it". I really needed to hear that. It would have been easy for my friends to say "if you're so sad, maybe you should try to have a second". But they didn't. They validated my feelings, and comforted me.
It also reminded me that it is perfectly possible, and normal, to feel two things at once. If someone loves their job, but takes a new opportunity, it doesn't mean they suddenly decided they hate their current job. If a couple gets divorced, it doesn't mean they don't still have love for one another.
Maybe I'll mentor a young woman who will grow to be like a daughter to me. Maybe I will serve as a mother figure to some of Zack's female friends. Maybe I will have a daughter in law. Maybe I won't have any of these things, and that will be okay too. It will also be okay to be a little sad about it, EVEN while still being happy with wherever life does lead me.
I've always said that grief is confusing and messy. When I talk about it, I am mostly referring to the loss of my dad. But this is another reminder that grief is not just about lives lost. And can EVEN be present where you least expect it to be.
Comentarios