In 2024, I had 5 people from my life pass away unexpectedly. The thing is, each of those five people were from very different times in my life. But they all did have one thing in common- I had not spoken to them in a long time.
And after I heard the news of each of them passing, I not only felt sad for their death but I also felt immense guilt. I should have reached out.
One was Mandisa, who I wrote about in an earlier post. There was also: Justin, a friend from high school. Lisa, someone I worked with. My Aunt Pat, who I had been thinking about calling but had not gotten to it. And, my former boss, at my first "real" job, Peggy.
When I told my therapist about all the deaths she asked how I felt about it all. I surprised myself with my answer. Instead of saying "I need to reach out to people more" (more on that coming in a second) I said...
"Well, it does make me really grateful to have known such wonderful people".
And it's true. I feel immense gratitude for the experiences I have had that have led me to cross paths with these folks, and so many more individuals in my life. Mandisa made me feel less alone in my battle with depression and binge eating. She taught me a lot about faith. Justin was a beautiful person who ensured everyone felt loved and welcomed. Lisa was the most organized person I've ever known, and always made me feel part of the team. My Aunt Pat was the most loving, kind woman who held all the family stories. And Peggy was a mentor, a cheerleader, and a patient and generous woman.
I am lucky that I had the chance to know all these individuals.
And while I do wish I had been in more contact with each of them, the reality is it would be impossible to be in constant contact with every individual I have known throughout my life. I would be spending every day texting if it meant checking in with people from childhood, high school, college, and work. So it's easy to say "hey, check in with people in your life". But it's actually a pretty hard task.
So I cannot beat myself up for not doing it. Instead, what I aim to do is to ensure everyone in my life knows how much I appreciate them, at the time that we are together. I often thanked Mandisa, and I am confident she knew how much I appreciated her. I believe Justin knew that he was a very special person to me. I know that Lisa and I continued to talk after she left her role and while it had been a while, I had thanked her for everything she had done. I adored my Aunt Pat and didn't call her as much as I should have, but she knew I loved her and had made a point to visit her most summers. Peggy was the recipient of a few of my "Lent Letters". She knew she made a lasting impact on me.
This type of grief is a strange one to navigate. When you knew people, but had not been in their inner circle for a while, you can feel a little left out on the outside. It can be hard to explain your sadness, or to feel like you have to justify it.
I will be sad that they no longer walk this earth, and also be grateful that I crossed their paths while they were here. And while I have the chance, I will make sure everyone in my life knows that I love them, appreciate them, and that they have made an impact on my life one way or the other. And I will hope that those I no longer see or talk to as often know in their heart I adore them and cherish them.
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