Tiny Joys

It's been a really, really hard year. I know I am not alone in that sentiment.

In my family, we've dealt with my husband's hospitlization and diagnosis of an autoimmunie liver disease, a cancer diagnosis for our beloved dog that turned into an infection at the surgery site, and caregivng for my mom after she fractured her ankle in two places. It seemed like every time we made it through one chaotic, messy, stressful period, another one was there to greet us.

And then, well and then you have all the challenges outside our home. The world seemed like it was falling apart, we are more divided than ever before. People are being pulled out of their homes by ICE, SNAP benefits cut off, tarrifs, mass shootings and violence.

It has felt like a dark cloud is engulfing my entire world.

And admitedlly, I haven't always managed it well. I've been really ANGRY this year. Snapping at loved ones, making snarky remarks to people online. I've pushed people away, and I have little to no energy to have any kind of social life. I haven't felt as driven at work as I normally do and quite frankly have felt fresh out of ideas.

A few weeks ago I was at a breaking point where I was crying anytime I was alone in the car or the shower. I told Tom that I didn't feel like a real human. I didn't. I felt like a shell of a human, going through the motions of each day but not really connecting with people on a human level. I felt like an overworked, run down, worn out Barbie doll. And not a very glamorous one.

But. despite everything, I keep looking for the joy. My sister in law started posting these photo dumps on Instagram of things that made her happy. Little things, like coffee cups and funny text messages. I started to follow suit, and now every few weeks I do a joy dump. It has a forced me to really pay attention to the little things. Because joy doesn't have to be in big, grandeous moments. It seeps through every day life. I have been so focused on what's BAD and HARD this year that I have forgotten to look at what's good and what's beautiful. And I can't keep going like that. I can't let the beautiful moments pass me by. I have to notice them, I have to be present with them and enjoy them as they happen, and I have to be grateful for them. They give me hope.

I’m still tired. Still lonely sometimes. Still figuring it out. But I’m learning that noticing joy isn’t about pretending everything’s fine, it’s about reminding myself that even in the hardest seasons, goodness is still here.