Around 5:30 this morning, I got a text from a friend telling me that Mandisa had passed away. My entire body went numb, and I felt sick to my stomach. I'll tell you some of my first thoughts in a bit. But what I'll start with is that, hours later, I thought....
"no one is going to understand why I'm so sad".
To the average person, Mandisa was somewhat of a celebrity. She was on American Idol, had had hits on Christian radio, won a Grammy (and been nominated several times). But I knew her...and also didn't...but also very much did.
Let me explain.
I was once upon a time an Idol fanatic, so I knew Mandisa from watching the show. But around 2007, I was reading her book and was so deeply struck by her story. In her book she shares about her food addiction. I had been struggling with that very thing for a long time, but I didn't know anyone else who was also fighting that battle. Reading Mandisa's words in her book made me feel seen and known. I reached out to her on MySpace. A few months later, she responded. And that began the start of our friendship. We messaged back and forth often, and she even sent me some books and journals in the mail. I had the opportunity to meet her a few times early on, at various concerts and conferences she did in my area. She always greeted me with a big hug and we spent time talking, she was always giving me encouragement and love.
As Myspace evolved to Twitter and Instagram, we connected to connect. She went through a major weight loss journey that helped inspire my OWN weight loss journey.
While time passed, she released 4 albums, all of which I loved. But around 2014, Mandisa disappeared for a while. She had lost a close friend of hers to breast cancer, and because she was SO strong in her faith, she had a very hard time grasping that her friend didn't make it. This led Mandisa to fall into a deep pit of depression. Her friends and family tried to help her, and those of us a bit more on the outside were worried for her, too. In 2017, Mandisa came back around and released her album Out Of The Dark. She was VERY public with her journey of depression, gaining weight back, and struggling with faith. Out of The Dark is, hands down, my favorite album from Mandisa. I, too, had struggles with depression and the album spoke to me in so many ways. I go back and listen to those songs often.
The last time I saw Mandisa was in October 2017. 5 months after the album was released. She was on tour with Danny Gokey. I had JUST gotten married, and my dad was approaching the end of his life. Although I had not seen Mandisa in probably 7 years, and I had lost 135 lbs since I lost saw her, she noticed me from the stage and sent her manager out to get me so we could talk. We hugged, chatted, and I was hopeful I would see her a few more times on tour.
A few months later, she randomly tagged me in a comment on Instagram, recommending a song for me to listen to. This happened to be right as my dad was entering Hospice, so this song was timely.
Mandisa was supposed to come here in March 2020. I had tickets. But that show got rescheduled several times before it eventually was cancelled. I interacted with Mandisa here and there throughout the pandemic times, and she had a brief stint of having a podcast in 2021-2022. But soon there came a time where she really wasn't online anymore.
This morning, when I got that text, my world was rocked. How could someone who had been there for me, not just through her music but as a person, just be GONE? She truly was the kind of person that lit up the entire room. And I have never known anyone with as strong of a faith as Mandisa had.
So, maybe now you can see what I mean. We had a special relationship, more than what most singers/fans have... but I was not in her inner circle . I am grieving the loss of someone who showed me endless kindness and empathy. Someone who treated me like a little sister. Someone whose music pulled me Out of The Dark. I am going to miss her, deeply.
Now I'll tell you those first thoughts I had when I got the text, besides the initial shock. First, I imagined her hugging Jesus, weeping. But not because she was sad. Because she was happy to be with Him. I imagined her whispering "finally".
The second were the words/title of one of her songs "I'm still here". At first, I wasn't sure why that was coming to mind. But now I do. Because even though Mandisa is gone from this Earth, she's still here. She left us the beautiful gift of music. She touched the heart of so many people, inspiring them and encouraging them through their own struggles with weight or depression.
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