Disclaimer: Postpartum Anxiety is very common, but often "invisible". If you are suffering, talk to your OB.
I have postpartum anxiety.
To be fair, I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety in my teens, and have been treated through therapy and medication since. There were times I was off my medication, and those times were rough. When I found out I was pregnant, I was switched to a safe anti anxiety medication that I have been taking ever since.
That said, I assumed I would probably have some anxiety after the baby arrived. And it may be easy for some to say "you're just telling yourself you have anxiety". But no. I have it. The shaking, excessive tearfulness, nausea, and racing thoughts are pretty hard to ignore or shove off.
I think it's also easy for others to say "well duh, everyone worries". Yes, any new parent is going to worry about their baby. We are responsible for keeping this delicate being alive. But, anxiety is when it comes with real physical/mental symptoms that you cannot shake. And that, in this moment, is where I am.
Sidenote: I know some people will disagree with me sharing this on the internet. But if it makes someone else feel less alone, then I've done my job. I know I am not alone. I know I'm not the only person suffering. But that does not make it any less real, or hard.
For the first few weeks, I dealt with these as best I could, knowing part of it was the hormonal rush after having a baby, breastfeeding, and stopping breastfeeding within a week. But, now it's been six weeks, and the anxiety is still there, big time. I'll talk about how it's manifesting for me below. But I'd like to say that many women continue to shrug it off, without getting help and I am here to say YOU ARE WORTHY OF GETTING HELP! I, too, have days where I think "well today I wasn't that anxious, so I'm better now" and then the anxiety comes rushing back in and I think "nope, nope, not better". So I am getting help, through therapy and talking to my doctor about increasing my medication.
For me, here's how it has manifested:
Checking: A common habit of those with anxiety or OCD. I check and double check and triple check things. For instance, when Zack had a bit of congestion, I checked his temperature at least 10 times. My anxiety convinced me I must have read it wrong and he MUST be sick. Or if we leave the house, I check his diaper bag multiple times to ensure it's got what we need. I have also pulled the car over (a couple of times) to check if he is breathing in his car seat. Is there something WRONG with checking? Well, no, but when it becomes obsessive, it can be a bit debilitating.
Anticipating/What If: This is so hard. Every night around 9 pm, I feel myself start to disengage. My husband could be talking to me, but I don't really hear what he says. Instead, I'm thinking of how our night is going to go. I am calculating the times Zack **Should** wake up to eat (should being the key word, since babies wake up often during the night, not always just to eat and could be hungry earlier or later than what I think), and worrying about whether or not he will sleep in between those feeds. This has started to pool over to daytime, too. When I wake up, I'm a bit anxious about what the day will be like. This is especially true if my husband is working that day and I know it will be just me. What if Zack is cranky all day? What if I can't get him to nap? What if he sleeps all day and we don't have any interaction? What if when we sleep over at my moms he doesn't sleep the ENTIRE NIGHT because it's a new place? What if he stops breathing in his car seat and I don't even notice?
Worst Case Scenario: Simply put, I assume the worst. He's not sleeping? Something's wrong. He's sleeping a lot? Something is wrong. I leave him home with Tom or my mom for a bit and don't get any texts? Something is wrong. He's not pooping? Something is wrong. He's pooping too much? Something is wrong. He sneezed once? Something is wrong. He's making noises in the car? Something's wrong. He's not making noises in the car? Something's wrong. You guys, I kid you not, for the first three weeks I actually thought something was wrong with him because he had not peed on me, and I had heard that boys do that. He's since peed on me and himself plenty.
Buying stuff I don't need: This is a habit that really has to end, like now! We need that $ for daycare. But, especially in the first few weeks, I started buying stuff like crazy that I *thought* we needed. Some of it we do truly need. Some of it, like courses from so called "baby experts" on Instagram, we do not need, and I wasted $75 buying a "newborn sleep" class when I could have googled the same information or read a book for $10. I've bought different types of swaddles and carriers, (s0me very expensive), a heart rate monitor out of one night of sheer panic that I plan to swiftly return (no shade to those who use them- but for me, I'd just be up all night watching it). In the beginning when I was SUPER sleep deprived I would wake up and see stuff I bought on Amazon that I truly didn't even remember buying.
Inability to sleep: Yeah, I mean, most new parents don't expect to sleep much, right? But when Zack is sleeping a 4 hour stretch next to me and there I am, wide awake, listening to EVERY noise he makes, anticipating he's waking up, so therefore I am not sleeping, that's a problem. And listen- babies make a lot of noises. Like, a lot. They grunt and fart like old men. But everytime he does, I think "well, there he is, awake" so I jolt up- and he's still sleeping. Sometimes I'll pick him up, and he just stays asleep in my arms, so then I feel stuck and holding him for another hour or so while he continues to doze. And then, when he's quiet, I panic that he's not breathing. These are the times I usually get in the bad habit of googling and doomsrolling and making random purchases. It's best for me to just not touch my phone. I am practicing- very hard- not jumping up the second he makes a noise. But it's VERY hard for me. Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband who will often let me sleep in the other room while he handles the night shift, because he has a much easier time sleeping through the noises.
Inability to focus: I used to read a book a week. I haven't read, really, more than 1 chapter or 2, since Zack arrived. I just can't focus on the words on the page- I am anticipating, thinking, reeling. I've turned to mindless TV instead, shows where I don't have to fully listen to the storyline. If I'm struggling internally with some intrusive thoughts, I have a hard time focusing on what other people are telling me. Hence, I forget things a lot. Like, a LOT. I had a super embarrassing moment where someone asked me about the outfit they purchased for Zack and I legitimately have no memory of said outfit or getting it from them.
Essentially, every thought I have right now is around Zack. I have no real concept of what is happening in the real world (besides that Covid SUCKS). And while that's normal, it's not just thinking about how cute and sweet he is (because he is! and I do have those thoughts!) it's usually associated with anxiety. And, truth be told, I just don't want to be scared of my baby, or anxious around him. I will say this- I am proud that I can usually (sometimes not so much) pull myself together and remain calm around him, because I don't want him to feel my anxiety. Another mom gave me the tip of if I am holding him and he's crying, for myself to take deep breaths so that he feels them. I did that last night and I kid you not, he took a deep breath after. Another mom told me to try to turn it into gratitude. "You're crying because you're hungry? thank you for telling me!". I try that, too. These don't always work, but sometimes it just gives my brain a moment of clarity.
But, most importantly, I am getting the help that I need so that I can be less anxious. And I encourage all who are struggling to do the same.
I am endlessly grateful for my husband, my mom, my therapist. Without them, I'd be in a much worse place. Here's to working through this, one day at a time.
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