On Being An Outsider

Here's a common thread I have noticed in my life:

I am often on the outside.

Let me explain. I have a lot of people in my life who I consider friends, or acquaintances. But I am not always sure they feel the same way about me. On plenty of occasions (just this past weekend, in fact), I have been scrolling Instagram on a weekend and seen a group of people, all of whom I would consider a friend, hanging out together, but I was not invited. Or there are cases where two friends I was also friends with start hanging out together, without me.

I will admit it hurts to see this. Like, a lot. I have often wondered what I am doing wrong. I know I have flaws. I can be overbearing, I can be flaky, I share way too many of my opinions on social media. But I think I'm a kind, caring, and empathetic person. I can be funny. So why am I still the one who is left out? Maybe people assume I won't be able to attend things, since I often can't. I've had a few invites in the last few weeks where I just couldn't make it work, so maybe those folks are tired of trying. Or maybe they truly just forget about me.

I don't know that being on the outside is the worst thing in the world. Because I am not consumed by a set "group" of friends, I have lots of one-on-one friends from different phases and times of my life. I don't have a lot of friendship drama. I am very observational and intuitive; traits I am positive I have picked up by being on the outside. I notice when others are left out and try to make a conscious effort to include them.

I don't really know why I felt compelled to write this post, publicly. It surely is not the intention to beg for people to include me or to feel sorry for me. I don't want to be part of any space that doesn't truly want me there. I suppose I am writing this for anyone else who feels like they are also on the outside. You are welcome here. And if you're okay hanging out with me and my almost 3-year-old or being patient while I try to figure out childcare and understanding if I don't have it, we will get along just fine.