I am of the generation that was introduced to the internet as adolescents. I can remember a childhood without internet and cell l phones, but by the time I was 12 or 13, it was a major part of my life.
I have vivid memories of AOL- specifically, AOL Instant Messenger. A platform where I could message my friends back and forth, create "away" messages, and join chatrooms.
I was a shy kid. Talking in front of people was one of my biggest fears. I never raised my hand in class. I didn't dare speak to the "popular" kids in class. But with AOL, I could talk to whoever I wanted to, and I did, because I wasn't face to face with them. It was easier to talk online than it was in real life, and I appreciated the ease that the screen gave me.
In high school, I had a LiveJournal. This was basically a blog, but I wrote it in almost daily. Sometimes it was a silly survey, sometimes it was a diary type entry of my day or my weekend. All of my friends, and most of my classmates, were also on LiveJournal and it became a daily habit to read everyone's posts. I loved being able to write in there and express my thoughts, since, again, I wasn't always confident in doing that in real life.
But I became even more of a people pleaser. While, yes, I would often write my real feelings and experiences, I would also embellish. Nothing major. I would say I was listening to a band I wasn't actually listening to, because a cool classmate was listening to them. I would say I hung out with some friends over the weekend when I actually sat at home. But everyone else was hanging out with friends, so it seemed that's what I was supposed to be doing.
I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to be accepted.
Please enjoy this super cringey LiveJournal post from 2004 (okay and I was probably truly listening to Chorus Line because I was and always will be a theatre kid)
Online platforms have come and gone since then. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok. I've used (and still use for some) them all. I have poured out my feelings, shared songs I love, connected with friends, etc. I think it's pretty telling that in college, the people who knew me the best (other than Sam) were an online community of friends I made, NOT the girls I was sharing a house with. But if we're being honest, I was "hiding" parts of my life from both groups. My online friends didn't see who I was in person, and my real-life friends had no idea I was spending every evening chatting with my online friends.
Each of these online spaces have been a place where I have shared pieces of me that I am either afraid to share in real life or ashamed to share in real life. The screen makes it easier.
I gave birth to Zack; I used Instagram a lot to share updates- I look back now at those Instagram stories and I am embarrassed for that person. You see, in real life, that was by far the most out of control my anxiety has ever been. No matter what I did, the racing thoughts would not stop. So, I used Instagram for comfort, and validation. Behind the eyes in those images and videos is someone begging for help.
These days, at 36 years old, I am happy to share that I am much more confident in real life. I am no longer worried about speaking up, sharing my ideas, or making small talk. Of course, I get nervous at times, especially in large group settings or a setting where I don't know anyone. But I don't avoid those spaces. I am who I am in person and online- without exaggerations, embellishments, or pretending to like things I don't actually like. A small example? There's a reason you don't really see me posting about the Lions. Because I don't actually really care. I mean sure I want them to win and it's exciting, but I have still not watched a single game this year and won't pretend that I have.
I say all of this to say that I wish at 13, 16, 23, and even 33 that I had enough faith and confidence in myself to be my true self, and to not feel like I had to hide or that I could ONLY speak up when I had a screen to type it out.
In 2024, I am exploring what it means to be me. What do I love to do? What topics are interesting to me? What does friendship look like at 36? And I am exploring all of these things WITHOUT wondering what other people think about them. That is growth.
PS: This blog, and the blog prior, have always been authentic. One thing is for sure. I do get true joy out of writing, HONESTLY, and sharing it with others. When it doesn't serve that purpose anymore, I will stop.
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