Look out, babes, she's blogging again.
Lately I have found myself desperate to write. But I'll be honest, the idea of doing pen to paper just exhausts me. So here I am, spilling my brain out onto the internet, again.
I've been thinking a lot lately about friendship. This is something I've written about before and a common struggle I see with people my age. Making and keeping friends.
When I scroll through Instagram around Thanksgiving I feel a bit lonely and left out. Where are people getting these friend groups to have "Friendsgiving" celebrations? Or "favorite things" parties for Christmas? And why do I never seem to receive an invite to these kinds of celebrations? Is there something wrong with me?
I have friends that I have collected here and there throughout life, from school or jobs or the gym or through other friends. But I am absent of having a "friends group". I'd also much rather go for a walk with a friend or get coffee then go out for drinks or do a weekend trip.
The way I see it, my friendships throughout my life fall into a few categories.
The first are the friends I currently have. Some of them have been my friends for decades, some a few months. Not many of them know each other. The person I would consider to be my best friend right now (besides my husband) lives in Indiana, and we rarely see one another...but we talk every day on the phone. She is the person I call when I am on the verge of tears, or who I need to celebrate something with. Other friends are folks I either see weekly (mostly because of the gym we go to) or every few months or somewhere in between. These are the people I think of when I think of those who keep me grounded, who light me up when I am with them, who I look forward to spending time with.
Then there are friends I grew apart from. No hard feelings, no drama, we just took different life paths and right now, our paths don't cross. But if they did, I would be excited to walk with them again. I look back fondly on the memories I have with these friends and love to keep up with what they are doing on social media.
There are also friendships that were toxic, or ended with a fight or disagreement. Those are the friends that I know, for my mental health and probably theirs, we just cannot be friends again. I can still be grateful for the memories we made and the laughs shared and move on.
The last category is the one that is the hardest for me to wrestle with. And that's the one where I have no idea what happened. We were close, and one day, we just weren't. I can recall this happening back in 5th grade all the way up until a few months ago. These are the ones that will pop into my mind at 3 am, when I can't sleep. It would be easy to place the blame on them and to give myself and out, but I know that a friendship takes two people, and I very well could have hurt this person.
I am the kind of person that takes other people's emotions on. When you're in my life I do what I can to make you happy, to cheer you up when you're sad. I cling to people. So in some cases, maybe I was too much. I gave too much of myself to you, and you couldn't take anymore. Or, maybe I wasn't enough. Maybe I didn't show up for you the way you wanted me to.
Whatever the reason, those are the friendships I grieve the most.
As a now 35 year old woman, I look at friendships differently. The truth is I cannot give you everything I have right now. The "everything I have" goes to my son, my husband, and my job. But I can be your cheerleader, you can call me when you need to cry and I will listen. We can go for walks or call each other while we're driving because sometimes that is the only time I have to talk. Most of the time, I have Zackary with me, so I need friends who are open to having a tiny little plus one with us. I'm not looking to collect dozens of friends. I'm looking for true, deep friendships that go beyond surface level. People to share life with, the good and the bad. People who can put up with my dorky, sometimes sassy, self.
So that's where I am today. That's what's been on my mind lately and that I needed to get out. Wishing you all a beautiful week, and if you have an old friend you're missing that you want to reach out to, I encourage you to do it. Unless something horribly damaging happened, I can almost assure you they are hoping for that reconnection, too.
One of my dearest friends I've had in this lifetime, Amy. We met when we were 5. She is every memory of childhood for me. We ended up living together for a year as adults and it was beautiful.
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