I sat down and imagined what my 19 year old self would ask my 36 year old self. And then I wrote back to her.
Dear Future Self;
I have so many questions for you. But I think it can be summed up in just one question.
Does it get better?
I know you know what "it" is. A combination of things, really. Does the anxiety get better? I'm so tired of feeling on edge nearly every moment of every day and I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. The only thing that numbs the anxiety is food. I am addicted to food, which is a scary thing to say. But that's a battle I have been fighting and hiding a long time. Every time I try to move past it, something happens and I am back in the drive thru line.
I feel sad a lot of the time, but I hide that too. Now that I think about it, I hide a lot about myself. Most of my friends don't actually know the real me. I don't even know if I know the real me.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I wish it were easier to know. I wish someone would just tell me what to do instead of it being up to me to figure out. I wish someone else would save me.
Please tell me it gets better.
Love, 19 year old Megan.
PS: Will anyone ever love me?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear 19 year old Megan;
I won't ramble on and leave you wondering about the answer to your question. I'll tell you right now.
Yes, it does get better.
I could end the letter right here, but I know you, and I know you want details. HOW does it get better? WHEN does it get better? What's so much "better" about it?
I'm not going to tell you everything. You have to live through it yourself. But I want you to stop having sleepless nights worrying about the future.
We made it. We're here. We're 36. We survived, Megan. We have a beautiful life. And I am not about to tell you it was easy, or that you woke up one day and all the anxiety disappeared. You are going to have a lot of ups and downs. There are going to be things that happen that turn your world upside down. But even knowing that, I can still assure you, it STILL gets better.
And here's the really, magical thing about it.
No one else saved you.
You did this. You made it better.
And, here's what is even MORE magical:
You are still you. You said you didn't even know who you were, but we both know who we are the core. A deeply caring, empathetic person. You haven't lost that. You are both of those things, and so much more. I would even say- you're confident. Oh, and surprise, you're actually not shy at all anymore. I know, you don't believe me.
I need you to know that you won't always turn to food for comfort. It's a long battle, but eventually you find other ways to cope. You healed your food addiction. YOU did.
I also need you to hear something that even current me probably needs to hear: You don't need to be fixed. You don't need to constantly be looking for ways to "better" yourself. You are so, so good the way that you are.
You said in your letter that you don't know what you want to do with your life. Just trust each step. We land exactly where we are supposed to land.
And yes, you do find love. I know you mean in a romantic sense- and you do have that. You have a wonderful husband who adores you and has adored you since the moment he met you. But you are also so very loved by so many people. You don't always love yourself, which we are still working on. But love is abundant in your life.
We still have anxiety and the sadness still creeps in, but we have ways of managing that now. We even have times at 36 where we ask "is it going to get better?". But I've seen what life can do, and I have so much hope for the future. Even with the hard times that will come, there is so much to look forward to.
So yes, Megan. It gets better. Keep the faith. One step at a time. And all the other cheesy quotes that are making you think of American Idol.
Love, 36 year old Megan
Comments