Belonging

I have hinted on social media lately that I have been in a rough head space. I'm getting out of that now, but it's been heavy on my mind and heart to share. Over the past several weeks, I have been in a thought spiral about belonging. Or, perhaps, a lack of belonging. And it all started because my 3-year-old son asked me to draw a picture.

He was drawing (as best as a 3-year-old can) a picture of his friends- Jack, Calvin, Anthony, Nolan. And then he turned the paper over and told me to draw my friends.

I froze. Because I was not quite sure who to draw. And what happened next came a fury of thoughts, mostly that were untrue and all of which were unkind. These thoughts were:

Who would you even draw? You don't have any friends. You don't have a friend group. You don't really belong anywhere.

And instead of telling myself to shush, I actually believed these thoughts and carried them with me for the next several weeks. And ANY sort of real life inkling that those thoughts were true just piled onto my beliefs. Like, when a group of folks from church all went to see a play together- a play I also happened to be seeing that night, but with my family. I had no idea a group was going. It's possible an announcement was made somewhere that I didn't catch. But my brain told me "see? You don't belong."

As the weeks passed, and I was still carrying these thoughts with me, my birthday was approaching. I was feeling pretty sad, full of self doubt, and in complete belief that I did not belong. Not really a way to ring in a birthday. I was stuck on what to do to celebrate. How do you celebrate when you feel so- insignficiant? There were many nights, leading up to my birthday, that Tom would gently ask what I wanted to do, and I would just cry. I don't know, I'd say. I don't even know what I like to do anymore.

So, what snapped me out of this little funk? Honestly, it was going to camp with Zack. There was something really special about spending time with kids, and seeing their joy, that sparked my light back on. That, and getting to know some of the other adults at the church. I questioned myself a LOT at camp. I'd walk away from conversations and the bully thoughts would sneak in, wondering if I had been weird or awkward or upset anyone in any way. But when we left camp, I felt much more confident in myself as a mother, and as a social human being living on the planet. I started to feel like I did belong.

The truth is, friendship has always been a struggle for me. In fifth grade, my friend group kicked me out. And I know it seems dramatic and stupid to bring up something from FIFTH GRADE when I am now 38 years old but hear me out- what if that one incident led me to doubting friendships? My friendships have usually ended up two ways- either I become so afraid of it happening again that I pull away to shield myself from getting hurt, OR I overcompensate and become almost suffocating. It's an ongoing challenge that I continue to work through.

I have a lot of friends, from all walks of life. But I do not have a "core group" that gets together for dinner or girls weekends. I don't have many friends that Zack knows by name, hence why I think I froze when he asked me to draw them. Those things are true- but they do not mean I do not belong anywhere. I wish my brain had not been so convinced otherwise.

What I do have is connections far and wide from people of all ages, from the various stages of my life. Childhood. High School. College. Jobs. Church. I am incredibly lucky to know so many cool people. And so full of joy when we can connect, laugh, support each other, and cheer each other on.

I may not be able to draw the perfect picture of friendship, but that doesn't mean I am alone. I do belong, and so do you.