Even though I am married, I've spent a lot of the pandemic by myself. My husband is a front line worker at a grocery store, and he works almost every day. But, I have the luxury of knowing that at some point, he'll arrive home and I won't be alone anymore. Not everyone is that lucky, and I've spent some time thinking about all the individuals who have been alone almost 24/7 for 10 months. And instead of thinking about how they must be feeling, I asked them myself.
I reached out to individuals in completely different stages of life, but who both live alone. One is my mom, Penny, a widow, age 71. The second is a friend of mine, Kate*, a single 32 year old. There are nearly 40 years in between these two, and yet they share a lot of the same feelings.
Before you read their answers to my questions, I want you to first read this definition of
loneliness from Psychology Today:
Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap
between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. Research
suggests that loneliness poses serious threats to well-being as well as long-term
physical health.
Prior to the pandemic, what was life like for you?
Penny I was lonely without my spouse but active with family at times. I am still
teaching at my age so I have something to get up for. We have been face to face since August
so I am physically in the building for a half day daily. I can’t say I enjoy it as much as when I
was younger. I am also tutoring students who attend school remotely.
As her daughter, I want to pipe in here to say that my mom was just starting to become more social when Covid hit. She had been active in a grief group, and the women in the group with her had monthly get togethers. She had also recently upgraded her home with new paint, wood floors, and décor. She had been excited to show it off.
Kate I was very social and almost never home. I spent a majority of my time with friends,
family, and co-workers. I filled pretty much every single day with work, going out to dinner, and at the homes of friends or family. I was and continue to live on my own.
When the pandemic began, what was your initial reaction?
Penny As a teacher, I began remote learning immediately and had to learn a lot of new
techniques. But I had no concept that it would last so long and the isolation is crippling at times. I lose my desire to go out after all these months in the house and have to push myself. I’ve done no shopping, restaurants etc.
Kate I thought that we would be in it for a few months tops. I thought no later than July that we would be resuming "normal" life.
Over time, how did the pandemic effect you?
Penny The increased isolation led to depression and anxiety. I have not seen my family
except a few backyard get togethers over the summer. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent alone or with just four family members (who had contracted Covid already and seemed safe.)
Kate Like many others, it has been challenging in different ways. Since I try to see my
immediate family as often as possible, I limit who I see and in what capacity, and in general am trying my best to stay healthy to limit potential spread to others. It has been draining to have to tell people I'm not comfortable doing several things that were once normal and second nature to me and even harder because I feel isolated and would love to have the social connection. There can be days at a time where I don’t see a human in person and some weeks where my only “human interaction” is in running errands and seeing complete strangers behind a mask.
Can you describe what it is like to be alone during the pandemic?
Penny Again it is very depressing and incredibly lonely. It feels like life will never return to
normal and I will live out my remaining years alone, The anxiety can be disabling at times.
Kate It has given me a lot of time to reflect on how my life was pre-covid (overscheduled) and what my ideal life looks like. A few of the challenges - not having someone here with me to share how I'm feeling at the end of the day, which often time leads to internalizing stress, anxiety, sadness, etc. - even though I do stay well connected via texting with friends and regular calls with my family. With how difficult the news and the world has been to see this year and being an emotional person, it is hard not to have anyone here with me to share those emotions and feelings with. It is also scary at times, thinking about if I got sick and couldn't take care of myself or if something bad happened, what would I do? At the end of the day for a social butterfly, it is lonely and it is draining. I'm naturally energized by the energy of others and sharing my energy, which makes this hard.
Is there something you wish other people knew ?
Penny I wish those with families knew how lucky they are to have others in the home.
Even if only a spouse. I wish they had some concept of how hard it is to be alone 24/7.But
they can’t understand because they don’t live it. They can’t understand the pain of losing your life partner either.
Kate I wish people knew how lonely and isolating it can be to be alone all day. I wish people
knew to check in more often. I wish people would understand they will never truly get how I feel, just like I will never understand their situation.
What kind of support has been helpful?
Penny I had been attending grief therapy which has now become covid-grief-depression therapy. My children are as supportive as they can be through Zoom.
Kate Friends who acknowledge they understand that it is tough to be alone and friends that
say they understand why I am choosing to limit my circle. Friends that go out of their way to drop off little gifts, that text to say I was thinking of you, and those that ask to set up face time dates. I also appreciate the friends who reach out to meet to go for walks, grab a coffee and sit outside (socially distanced of course)
I specifically asked Kate "as a single young woman, how has this affected your dating
life?"
Kate Oh the dating scene for me is nonexistent, which is sad for me in thinking I have lost
nearly a year already in looking for my soul mate. As a 32 year old, I am longing to find love and start my own family and I am still hopeful I can and will. I am on dating apps at times, but do feel like it would be challenging to meet a complete stranger in this environment when I'm not even seeing my friends. It is also hard because even when you "match" with someone online, the conversation seems slower than pre covid AND not very serious
How are you feeling now?
Penny Depressed and somewhat hopeless for the future, but I’m a little optimistic that the
vaccines will help bring back some sense of normalcy.
Kate It goes back and forth! I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact we have been living like this for almost one year and it saddens me daily how it doesn't seem like it's getting better and it doesn't seem like people truly understand the severity of the situation. I miss my friends, I miss working out in public, I miss going to work, I miss going out to dinner - even though I know all of these are luxuries of life that I was lucky to have at my disposal before. I know that I will also appreciate each one of those things so much more in the future!
Readers, I want to encourage you to reach out to the Penny's and the Kate's in your life. They are lonely, and they appreciate when you touch base with them. Acknowledge their feelings, but don't tell them you know how they feel. You don't. Don't use words like "at least". Provide comfort. Send them something that will make them laugh. Hop on a Facetime call. There's endless ways for us to connect- so don't wait.
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